Has a news headline ever left you scratching your head? You’re not alone. The news is full of funny, strange and, yes, somewhat sad events. So, if you’re out looking for a headline to make you laugh, forget “The Onion” and just browse your local newspaper to see some funny news articles that have the advantage of being true.
World’s Longest Cat
Maine Coons are known for being a lengthy cat. Stewie topped them all by achieving a “Guinness Book of World Records” entry for the World’s Longest Cat before his unfortunate death of cancer in early 2013. Measuring 48.5 inches, Stewie could almost reach to his kitchen’s countertop when he stood on his hind legs.
How do you play baseball in outer space?
A Japanese astronaut named Satoshi Furukawa demonstrates how to play baseball in orbit.
Man Robs Bank of $1
Need state-run health care? Rob a bank. That’s what James Verone did. He handed a teller a note saying, “This is a bank robbery. Please give me only $1.” His reason: He had health issues but no health insurance, and thought he could get free health care if he went to prison. The downside: He is charged with larceny, not bank robbery, so he might not get the three years in prison he hopes for.
Guiness Names New Shortest Man
The Guiness Book of World Records has named a new World’s Shortest Man, Edward Nino Hernandez, who stands at 70.21 centimeters (2 ft 3.46 in) tall. He works in the family business, which makes pajamas, and enjoys dancing to salsa and raggaeton music. “I am very happy to be recognized as the shortest man in the world,” Hernandez told the Guinness World Records website. “Every person is different and unique. The more unusual you are the more you should fight and work harder.”
Mass. Woman’s Message In Bottle Turns Up In France
Every year, Ann Hernandez used to throw messages in a bottle into the ocean on her birthday, asking the finder to send a card to her home in Illinois. Her 2003 message was found on the coast of France, 3,000 miles away, by Michel and Daniele Onesime while they were fishing. The Onesimes tried to send the card, only to find out Hernandez had passed away the previous year.
Dog Kept on ‘Ice'”
A 7-11 worker was reported to the Humane Society for keeping her dog in the cooler while she worked. According to the customer who reported her, she spotted the miserable-looking American Eskimo “on ice” during a milk run and, when she returned hours later, the dog was still there. As it turns out, the dog’s owner thought that, since it was an Eskimo, it needed to be kept in very cold surroundings.
Top Ten Things Thrown On Hockey Ice
Some of these will surprise you…I can see hockey pucks occasionally thrown around, but a trash can?? It gets stranger!
The Dumb Crooks File…
…Or at least weird. In a clever attempt to disguise himself, a man wrapped his head in toilet paper and robbed a convenience store in Nebraska. According to the police, he was armed with a knife. No one was injured.
Some News Shorts
The headlines are by me. The stories are real.
- DNA Evidence On Chocolate Bar Leads To Robber
- Manhatten Restaurant Sells $175 Burger Topped With Gold Flakes
- Man Eating Clams Bites Into Rare Purple Pearl
Vote For Hank
If you live in Virginia, you might have noticed that one candidate was a little different from the rest during the 2012 election. He was a cat named Hank, an independent who supports spaying and neutering pets to help cut down on the unwanted pet population. He also supports job creation for Virginians so they can afford food and vet bills for their furry friends. As a survivor of the streets and recent adoptee, he understands what it is like to be homeless and hopes to raise awareness for pets who need a loving family of their own.
Car Slams Into Girl’s Bedroom
It Really Is Best To Be Prepared.
On the University of Florida’s web page, you will find disaster preparedness plans for hurricanes, pandemics…and zombies. According to the zombie preparedness plan, signs of an attack of “flesh-eating, apparently life-impaired individuals” include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.” The University of Florida apparently wants you to be prepared for any disaster, including a Night of the Zombies, however unexpected it might seem.
Florida State’s Zebrie Sanders Refuses to Budge
The Top 12 Tax Deductions
These are real tax deductions that people claimed, and either the IRS accepted it or tax court forced them to. Please note that this is not meant to be tax advice. That sun deck you added may not be tax deductible.
- A significant other. Yes, your girlfriend may count as an employee if you pay her to take care of some business related duties. A man hired his live-in girlfriend to manage several rental properties, including finding furniture, overseeing repairs and running his personal household. Tax court allowed him to deduct $2,500 of the $9,000 he paid her but disallowed the chores she did around the house.
- A private airplane. Rather than taking commercial airlines or enduring a 5-7 hour drive, a couple bought an airplane to fly back and forth to their rental condo. Tax court allowed them to deduct the expenses involved with condo-related flights.
- Cat food. Here’s an idea: If you own a junkyard, you can put out cat food to attract feral cats to kill rats and snakes for you. One junkyard owner did, and tax court let him deduct the cost of the cat food from his taxes. I wonder, though, if he did his civic duty and caught some of the feral cats to be spayed or neutered.
- Moving the family pet. According to the IRS, you can deduct the cost of moving, including moving pets and other belongings, if the move is for job-related purposes and you meet a few other criteria.
- Body oil. A pro bodybuilder used body oil to make his muscles glisten in the lights during his competitions. The Tax Court ruled that he could deduct the cost of the oil as a business expense. Lest it be seen as a softie, though, the court nixed deductions for buffalo meat and special vitamin supplements to enhance strength and muscle development.
- Restitution in a fraud case. Sometimes, crime really does pay, or at least it does for tax purposes. A dentist’s wife kept his books and, unbeknownst to him, billed insurers for services he didn’t perform. Her scheme was uncovered and she was sentenced to 18 months in jail. The dentist repaid the ill-gotten gains to settle the insurer’s civil claims against his practice. Since the repayment merely compensated the insurer for its loss and wasn’t punitive, the dentist was allowed to deduct it as a business expense. In fact, the loss created by the write-off triggered a refund for the dentist of taxes paid in prior years.
- Wrecking a car while driving drunk. Please note, I do not advocate driving drunk. If you drink, please call a cab to take you home or give your keys to a non-drinking buddy. One guy did drive drunk, got into a wreck, but was able to deduct the results from his taxes.
- Free beer. Again, I do not advocate drinking. It’s bad for your liver. In a novel promotion, a service-station owner gave his customers free beer in lieu of trading stamps. Proving that alcohol and gasoline do mix — for tax purposes — the Tax Court allowed the write-off as a business expense.
- A business meeting in Bermuda. Bermuda is a great place to schedule a tax write-off because business conventions are deductible without having to show that there was a special reason for the meeting to be held there. Why? Bermuda and the U.S. exchange tax information under international agreement. Other countries in the Caribbean region qualify, too, including Barbados, Costa Rica, Dominica, the Dominican Republic, Grenada, Guyana, Honduras, Jamaica, St. Lucia, and Trinidad and Tobago. Meetings held in Canada, Mexico and all U.S. possessions also receive this favorable tax treatment. Attend a convention in Paris or Rome or Beijing, though, and there’s no deduction unless you can show it made as much sense to travel abroad as to head to Pittsburgh.
- Baby-sitting fees. Fees paid to a sitter to enable a parent to get out of the house and do volunteer work for a charity are deductible as charitable contributions even though the money didn’t go directly to the charity, according to the Tax Court. The court expressly rejected a contrary IRS revenue ruling.
- Landscaping. A sole proprietor who regularly met clients in his home office was allowed to deduct part of the costs of landscaping the property, on the grounds that it was a part of the home being used for business, according to the Tax Court. The court also allowed a deduction for part of the costs of lawn care and driveway repairs.
- Swimming pool. A taxpayer with emphysema put in a pool after his doctor told him to develop an exercise regime. He swam in it twice a day and improved his breathing capacity. Turns out he swam in the pool more than his family did. The Tax Court allowed him to deduct the cost of the pool (to the extent the cost exceeded the amount it added to the value of the property) as a medical expense because its primary purpose was for medical care. Also, the cost of heating the pool, pool chemicals and a proportionate part of insuring the pool area are treated as medical expenses.
You can go all-out to win the neighborhood Christmas decoration contest this year. Or you can just do what the person in this video did.
Hobson Challenged To Slam Dunk Contest
Chinese Dwarfs Start Their Own Village
Sick of being discriminated against, a community of 120 people under 4 feet, 3 inches tall have started their own village. With no big people in Kunming, China, the dwarfs can do everything for themselves and have their own police force and fire department. They have also turned their village into a tourist attraction by building mushroom-shaped houses and dressing like fairy-tale characters.
Best Friends Forever!
This one was just too cute to pass up.
World’s Hottest Chili Becomes Newest Anti-Terror Weapon
The latest weapon in the war against terrorism has more than 1,000,000 Scoville units, the scientific measurement for a food’s spiciness. What is it? The world’s hottest chili! Known as ghost chili, the Indian military has used it to design non-lethal chili grenades for use in smoking terrorists out of their hideouts. “The chili grenade has been found fit for use after trials in Indian defense laboratories, a fact confirmed by scientists at the Defense Research and Development Organization,” Col. R. Kalia, a defense spokesman in the northeastern state of Assam, told The Associated Press. Traditional uses for ghost chili include a cure for stomach troubles and a way to fight the crippling summer heat.
More Weird Stuff